Millie and Meg's Radical ShoujoAi Experience
by Al Kristopher
Summary: The sequel nobody asked for to a series that never made sense in the first place. It's a postmodern tackle on an issue that seems to be thrown aside, and for good reason! Don't bother seeking greatness; it's not in this tale!


I know what you're thinking. Two doesn't come after three (sequel-wise). Why make a sequel to a story that involves characters from a game that comes right after the setting of the very sequel itself? Why make these characters blissfully self-aware about all of them, even though most are in foreign lands or not even born yet? The solution is simple.

But you'll never learn what it is. Ha ha.

Millie and Meg's Radical Shoujo-Ai Experience 

By Al Kristopher

It was one of those days where it seemed everybody in North Window Castle had nothing to do. As odd as it sounded, what with all the means of entertainment and the cluster of characters as different as clouds in the sky, one would think that they'd have something better to do-anything, really. But no, no, nothing was going on-or rather, if something were going on, it would be so unworthy of notice that outsiders would brush it aside and inquire when the next activity of significance took place. Those Nothings were what made North Window Castle so difficult to live in: when people got into Nothing, particularly two girls of outstanding character (and that is telling it gently), the things that happened during and afterwards constituted insanity. Literal insanity. The local asylum saw business booming.

Boom. …(cough)

Upon one of those days, Millie and Meg (and Bonaparte), the two mischievous pixies mentioned not long ago (see above paragraph), decided to make something remarkable out of their Nothing time. North Window was about as interesting as cold mud, and tourism would spike downwards if things and steps were not taken (Hoi was later heard crying, "Hey! Somebody's taken my things and steps!" and ironically called the police, who arrested him). As in most shoujo magazines and programs, it was up to two adorable young girls with special powers to save the day.

"Hi Millie!" addressed Meg.

"Hi Meg!" addressed Millie, and the plot thickened. "What'cha doin' today?" was the next question asked.

"Oh, you know. Fixing Gadget and stuff. Oh! I took a bath and found a hamburger!" Now you must understand, with such a dull air being breathed, it was very difficult finding things to get excited about. Millie gasped and wished she had been through such adventures.

"Did it have ketchup?"

"Yeah! Oh, wait-were you talking about the bath or the burger?"

"Um… both."

"Me too!" laughed Meg, but the scary thing was that she was serious. Millie laughed too, and then told Meg she was going on a walk with Bonaparte, and it was then, right then, when the girls created their mischief.

"Say, it's boring out here!" said Meg. "I mean, it's boring all over, and in general: all the way through, ya know? It's getting to where finding a burger is an event. We really need to do something to spice things up."

"Oh! How about we put hot peppers in all the food?"

"Nah, did that last week."

"Oh. Ah! We could apply for tenure!"

"Two weeks ago."

"Darn." Millie frowned and was stumped. Surely, though the two girls had caused every conceivable bit of trouble they could imagine, their minds were not exhausted yet. Unfortunately (for everyone else in North Window Castle), this was true, and their faces both shined with revelation. Of course!

"Of course!" repeated Meg giddily.

"But the narrator said that…"

"Never mind! We have to promote rampant shoujo-ai activities!"

"Why? I thought that was already done, twice!"

"Ah, but isn't the third time the charm?" The Trickster had a point there. Millie smiled broadly and thought it a lovely idea in spite of the Damoclesean threat of kicking a horse when it was down. Promoting hot girl-on-girl action was all fine and fair in the original game, when few cared either way (although there was a powerful Alen and Grenseal base), and in the third it was blindingly obvious, but who in their right mind…

Oh. Perhaps that is not a good phrase to use, considering the stars of this story.

"I think Riou and Jowy have had enough time in the spotlight!" said Millie, even though Riou had spent more time with Eilie than he had with anyone, even Nanami. "It's our turn now!"

"Right! We're the only reasonable couple that could ever pass as shoujo love in this adventure, so we're obviously the only ones capable of promoting its welfare, establishment, and growth!"

"(Ahem!)" came a loud cough from behind. Millie and Meg went "Eep!", froze, and turned around to face Valeria and Anita. Their skills at eavesdropping were laudable.

"The _only_ reasonable one?" parroted Anita cattily. The younger girls nearly turned blue.

"Uh, well…"

"People seem to like cute girls together… well, I mean, the shoujo-shippers do…"

"Not that older women aren't appealing!" blurted Meg suddenly, saving her friend.

"Yeah! It's just that… we're more _expected_ to do this job!"

"And you two seem to fight a lot. We're very good friends."

"Yes. The best."

"But you're forgetting the rule," said Valeria dustily. She then recited: "One of the chief rules of romance is that, quote, 'If any two characters appear to have some distaste or lengthened disagreement towards each other, they are automatically considered able for relationship status, in spite of any previous engagement, endeavor, or vow'. Now, are you girls going to tell me that everything we know about that rule is _wrong_?"

Millie and Meg couldn't answer at first. They stood there, frozen and mute, knowing full well that the older swordfighters had a point.

"Um, yes?" squeaked Meg. Valeria sighed.

"Look, we don't want to do this. Neither of us are like that. We actually support the shounen-ai movement."

"Ack, enemies!" spat Millie. Bonaparte suddenly leaped forward, grew to a gigantic size, and swallowed both of the women whole. He gulped them down and squeaked back to his normal size, leaving Millie and Meg astonished to a new degree. The dull day certainly was becoming very postmodern in its drawl.

"That was… unique," managed the Trickster. Millie agreed.

"Yeah… Listen, let's just move on before our senses take over and tell us to stop this silly game and start ogling Futch."

"You got it!" Meg let out a cheer and followed her companion (and Bonaparte), since she was by far not one to heed her senses. Allowing any logic into their activity would be just… stupid. And there'd also be no story.

But since Bonaparte ate the only other people who could ever pass for a shoujo-ai couple in Suikoden 2 (and still be considered reasonable), their job ended up being very hard. Combined, the two could round off a list of women with the potential, possibility, and remote well-maybe-if-they-were-drunk-or-desperate-enough conceivability of being listed as a card-carrying Communist. Erm, lesbian. Although in the 1950s, they may as well have been synonymous. Blame McCarthy and Scooby-Doo.

Anyway, they decided to think like boys for once and… whoops. Start over.

Anyway, they decided to think like boys for once and… you know, I'll get it soon. Just gimme a second.

Anyway, they decided…

Screw it.

Millie and Meg _consulted_ men of able body and mind to assist them in their social venture, since they seemed best-trained in the art of Sapphic appreciation and discovery, after the Sapphics themselves. Being very feminine women who could only pass off as mildly tomboyish, they could not hope to think as a man and thus, the consultation was the closest thing they could get to. Besides, Richmond was as bored as they were.

"So ya want me to find out who in this township could be, eh, on the other side of the fence, eh?" he said, trying to do his best imitation of Edward G. Robinson and Humphrey Bogard. He ended up sounding like Carrot Top.

"No," replied Meg, "we just wanna know which of the girls in this castle could be supporters for the shoujo-ai movement!" Richmond chuckled. He knew that they were on the same track, they just used different trains. He sucked on a cigar and flipped his coin.

"All right, I'll do it. I always work best when I'm paid up front, ya know." Richmond grinned, but because Bonaparte looked very hungry that moment, he decided to give the youngsters a discount price and scurried off without haggling (thus waiving his right to tenure). Millie and Meg shared a big Magical Girl smile, clasped hands, and jumped up and down for a few seconds. Sheena would've loved it.

"Our movement will proceed as planned!" screamed Meg. "I mean… _this is so cool!_ We're gonna beat up those shounen-ai kings!"

"Whatever you said, I like it!" agreed Millie. They then forgot what they were celebrating and decided to wander around aimlessly, thus excusing themselves of appearances for the next few scenes.

Obviously, this is the part which switches to Richmond's investigations.

……No, you read this story because of Millie and Meg, or else you too support the "movement", or you clicked the wrong story and meant to read that one with Borus and Percival. See previous entry. YOU ARE READING A SUIKODEN 2 STORY. Just checking; you never really know. Are we all clear? I know this part's not funny at all; please bear with me as many better jokes will come at you and not bother to wipe their feet before entering. Bring yams.

Richmond completed his investigation the next day, and of course, Millie and Meg forgot they had ever sent him on any assignment.

"We forgot we sent you on any assignment!" said Meg. Richmond showed her proof of their contract and cited quotations he knew would incriminate their blurry memory.

"If you'll clearly read this-"

HEY! WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU!

_SLURP!_

"Oh my god, Bonaparte ate Richmond!"

"You base turd!" Millie and Meg quickly got over their shock and suddenly realized their whole purpose of being and/or the plot of the week.

"Oh yeah! Our movement! It must not die! We shall overcome!"

"Here are Richmond's notes," said Millie quietly as she noticed said dropped stack of papers. She picked them up and shared them with Meg, who increased shoujo-ai activity in this story by 22 percent as she leaned over her friend's shoulder. Millie blushed as she realized whose chin rested upon her shrugging machine, and turned around awkwardly. They stared at each other (34 percent if you're keeping count), swallowed, stammered, and had a few good seconds of quiet. Forty percent!

"Who's on the list?" asked Meg, ruining the moment. The percentages crashed and crawled into a corner where they curled up into a fetal position and whined themselves to sleep as the story returned to business-as-usual. Millie cleared her throat.

"Well, Hannah and Oulan are suspected because they're very butch and have a good chance of being completely dyke. Nanami and Wakaba are "cute tomboys" who stand a good but not great chance; Jeane and Raura are actually next in line after Valeria and Anita in terms of Sapphic probability, and Emelia is on the list because a female NPC in Greenleaf Academy is infatuated with her. Everyone else has only slight possibilities, ranging from Ayda's primitive forest maiden status to Eilie's severe lack of potential relationship with Riou. It says here that both Tengaar and Yoshino could do better, Sierra could look 'cute' with another girl, Rina may be bi-curious, Annalee and Karen may still be in the closet, Lorelai has 'masculine tenure', and Viki…"

There was an understandable awkward silence.

"Complete impossible potential," they both groused at the same time. Millie sighed.

"Let's face it. Viki is cuter than both of us but she would be awful in any relationship. She has the brain of a starfish and the romance of tree bark. The closest she ever got-"

"Was 'accidentally' teleporting into the men's baths," finished Meg, who had seen Viki's "mishaps" firsthand-many, many times. Millie raised intrigued eyebrows. "Look," explained her friend, "Viki ported into the men's bath in Toran Castle the most whenever Luc or Master McDohl were there. One time she stayed a full five minutes in the tub, clothes on and everything. Another she actually-"

"I don't think I wanna hear the end of this story!" shrieked Millie helplessly. "Let's just get on with this investigation!" The girls agreed on this, and since they seemed to have a good idea of who was "on their side" and who was not, they set out to prove themselves correct.

Now it should not take a genius to figure out how well they fared.

I'll humor you anyway.

Now as it turned out, Richmond's investigations were rarely wrong, but on the other hand, they were rarely _accurate_ (if that makes any sense. If it does, you are too smart to be reading this). Hannah was quite the butch, but the way she handled children suggested she would make a great mother, and her love of fine cuisine suggested a connoisseur's life-and her sword was really not _that_ big. It also turned out that many people in the Nameless Lands dressed like her, women included, and in fact she was the girliest one in her whole tribe. This last revelation was, of course, more upsetting than it needed to be.

Oulan seemed a more reasonable choice. Men found her very sexy and a little easier to talk to due to her being more open and inclined to speak using more than monosyllabic sentences. Her trademark was being the bodyguard of other women, which must've flashed flags for Richmond as he performed his art. Yet unbelievable as it seemed, Oulan was more straight than most of the married people in the castle, and casually admitted to having "many fine moments together with lord strategist Shu". This topped the "Hannah Discovery" in terms of unsettling news.

Nanami and Wakaba were in the divinely questionable area: the category of people who could "swing either way if the wind tipped them hard enough" (also, people who used quote marks when they really weren't needed). One was indefatigably infatuated with Camus; the other had a sharp like of cheese. And if those weren't pieces of credible evidence, Millie and Meg could never dismiss the FACT that both martial artists spoke of "liking male people" together more than "once". Then again, they wore comfortable sandals, and they had tenure.

And as embarrassing as it was, as it turned out, Jeane and Raura really _were_ "just friends". Millie and Meg learned that the hard way.

Five minutes earlier… 

"Jeane, are you and Raura friends?"

"Why, yes… we are."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, of course."

"Are you really sure?"

"Yes, I am."

"Are you really, really, _really_ sure?"

"No doubts." That had settled it.

Now everything else involved murky territory. The remaining women were listed as "possible, not certain" by Richmond, and since so many before them expressed desires not to support the shoujo-ai movement (some had, in fact, taken the opposite road, and proved delicious to a certain groundhog), these "questionable ones" were the only hope left for our heroines, at least until Suikoden 3 came along. Meg and Millie didn't let disappointment or fatigue wear them down, and resolved their wills to be even stronger as they pressed on. Also they kissed a few times to keep your attention and to keep at least one little tiny percent from running away.

"Me? Interested in women?" Emelia chuckled politely and removed her glasses, somehow keeping her hotness in spite of it. She then blushed and answered, "Of course."

"I knew it! There had to be _somebody_ in North Window Castle! Odds favored us!"

"But please don't get your hopes up," warned the librarian. "Remember, the ratio of gay women vs. gay men in any industry is one for every gazillion. This is most noteworthy in fan-fiction, anime, video games, television, politics, sports…well, not sports, but you get the idea. Anyway, I think I may be the only one you find, at least until the next evil empire comes along to force 108 perfect strangers to live together in the same place."

"(When she tells it like that,)" whispered Meg to Millie, "(she makes it sound like a great potential reality television show!)"

"But you're right," resumed Emelia, "I have a taste for ladies. Why, last week, I invited Leona, woman NPC 8, Teresa, and Oulan to my chamber for bridge, tea, and underwear pillow fights."

"Really?"

"No," said Emelia in a laugh. "I'm just pulling your leg! Sorry. I'm hopelessly attracted to Shu."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Meg and Millie screamed viciously, and at that very same moment, Bonaparte leaped into the air, took a huge breath, and swallowed Miss Emelia and the entire library. The two young girls stood gaping as the little pet squeaked back to its mistress, looking no bigger than before.

"Wow, how does he do that?" managed Meg. Millie shook her head.

"If I knew, do you think I'd be _here_!"

Eventually, the day winded down and their hunt became utterly fruitless. Millie and Meg found to their unusual disbelief that _every_ woman in North Window Castle & Township was hopelessly straight and thought nothing of the shoujo-ai movement, save its opposition. Whenever a girl championed the notion of hot man-love, they were violently (and perhaps ironically) sucked down by Bonaparte, leaving one less in the way. Now Millie and Meg were extremely tolerant, and in their clearer, more sane moments, they would have gushed over how good one young man would look with another (i.e. Futch, Riou, Luc, Sasuke, Templeton, et. al.), but Bonaparte was hungry and Machiavellian in his movement.

The ends (swallow beloved female character) justified the means (meal plus no yaoi).

Really, at the end of the day, all the two magical girls had were each other, Bonaparte, and a world that had yet to be swallowed by any of them. Well… Teresa remained, but only because Lucia had taken an unusual interest in her. In what could only foreshadow her "relationship" with Chris Lightfellow 15 years and one video game later, Teresa and Lucia became an unofficial couple and spent the rest of their days (in the second game) convincing everyone. Ironically, the most homosexual man in the whole game (Jowy) later became the father of the most homosexual women's (that's Lucia) son, who in turn inherited his parent's indecisiveness. But at least he had tenure.

"I guess we shouldn't have meddled into affairs that weren't ours," remarked Millie of their adventures. "I mean, after all, if somebody wants to support something, they should-and they shouldn't let two magical girls and their hungry sidekick influence their decision in any way. So what if there's more yaoi than yuri? So what if girls are virtually ignored, or worsened, in man-love fanfiction? So what if you can't judge a lesbian just because she wears the skin of an animal or if her glasses make her look hot? So what if two people who wanted to kill each other five minutes ago are now having hot sex?"

Both of the girls moped and crumbled to the ground in defeat.

"It's no use pretending we don't care," sighed Meg. "Let's face it: the shoujo-ai movement is _dead_."

"But at least we took down hundreds of innocent lives and ideals with it," remarked Millie, keeping her optimism. It spread to Meg, who rose with a jump.

"Yeah! We did! And ya know what? We still have each other, and as long as there are two, the fight can go on!"

"Absolutely!" Millie stood to her feet through the help of her friend, and embraced her lovingly as Bonaparte looked on. They smiled at each other warmly, and since it only made _sense_ to have intimacy in a story like this, the two girls brought themselves towards each other, hugged again, and went for the kill.

"Oooh, a hamburger!" Unfortunately, Meg bent down at the wrong time.

SMACK!

"Ow! I chipped my tooth!"

"Ow! You bumped right into my head!" Bonaparte suddenly had more than he could take, and with a big huge gigantic gulp, he swallowed all of North Window Castle, then the continent of Dunan, and finally ate the entire world. Everything got sucked down into his bottomless throat until there was nothing left for our beautiful heroines to stand on.

"Oh no!" shrieked Millie. "Bonaparte ate the entire universe!"

"Oh, Bonaparte!" laughed Meg. "You're always causing complete destruction and cataclysm _somehow!_ But we love you anyway!" The two girls laughed very badly, leaving Bonaparte to grumble and wonder what the heck they were talking about. All he ever wanted of the deal was a sandwich. He didn't even get tenure.

And that's why this story came third.

Because if it came second, there'd be nothing for Chris and her friends to work with.

If that makes _any_ sense.

The End 


End file.
